Mid Jan: There is a virus in China that started when a bat was in a crowded wet market in Wuhan, and its virions mutated with ferret and human virons. (Including an entire sequence in which a human-specific ACE receptor genome was added to the virus. Ain't Nature weird?). This is because wet markets are horrendous animal abuse (yes, they are) and make it very likely for viruses to jump species. It happens millions of time a year. (But not in factory farms in the US, where millions of chickens and pigs live in close contact with each other).
Late Jan: Trump shutting down travel from China is racist and xenophobic. Bad Orange Man must go. (But China shutting down all travel to Wuhan and cancelling Chinese New Year's will be ignored).
Feb: The virus has spread from China to Washington state, especially to the nursing homes. (But there will be no contact tracing to find out how it got from Wuhan to Washington so fast). This is a respiratory virus, but it is not spread from person to person. It is spread by the virus falling down onto various objects and then a person touches the object and then touches their face and then they get sick. (Any part of their face, including foreheads and chins, apparently). Wash your hands every 15 minutes and in between, use hand sanitizer. Buy lots of Lysol and disinfect everything in your house and everything you buy and don't bring in the mail. Also spread disinfectant all over you, your hands and your kids. Also don't touch anything in stores and don't bring your own bags to the store. Use plastic bags. This virus (unlike other viruses) can live for weeks on surfaces, so spray everything in your house every day.
March: Oh, wait, it is spread person to person. And probably from humans to dogs and cats and cats and dogs to humans. Don't pet your animal companions, they will kill you. But don't worry about catching it from other people. Go on a cruise (Fauci). And don't wear masks. (Also Fauci). They don't work, except for on medical personnel, and if you wear a mask, you are showing that you are a horrible selfish person who doesn't care about the frontline heroes. Also, we need more ventilators. It is Trump's fault that we don't have enough.
Mid March: Oh, wait, don't go on a cruise. Actually, don't go anywhere.
April: Omigod, a tiger in a zoo caught the virus from an asymptomatic zookeeper. Also, the ocean is full of virus, and is throwing it into the air, where you can definitely catch it. And tests show that in a gravity-free, air flow-free environment, it can float for 14 hours, so that is totally the same thing as conditions on Earth. Also, when told that the virus is killed in under a minute by sunlight, Trump asked if UV light could be used in the body to kill the virus. This was a dog whistle to his stupid followers, who know that what he actually meant was to inject Lysol and bleach. Boy, are they stupid! Also Trump talked about encouraging research with hydroxychloroquine. This means that HCQ is a Bad Drug, and must not be used. Some Democrat governors ban doctors from prescribing and pharmacists from dispensing. The experimental drug remdesivir, however, costing $3,000, is issued an emergency exemption by the FDA for experimental use.
Go ahead and wear face masks after all, by the way.
May: The Lancet runs a study on HCQ which says that this 70 year old drug is dangerous when used for covid (although it has been widely used for decades for other things. (Your body knows why you took it! And you will die if you take it for the wrong thing!) Two weeks, later, the Lancet has to retract the study, since it turns out it was fake. Whoops! (No matter, people still quote it months later.). Also, the face masks that were ineffective in February are now mandatory in public places.
June: Large public gatherings are signs of idiotic irresponsible behavior which will make the spread of covid much worse. Unless you are protesting George Floyd's death, in which case the public health benefits outweigh the tiny chance of spreading the virus. Actually, there is no chance of spreading covid if your heart is pure and your aims are just.
August: You must wear a mask everywhere, even if you are outside alone. Why? Because otherwise you are evil, and probably a Trump supporter. Just wear it, dammit!
Also August: Why are some people so distrustful of authority? What psychological defect do they have that makes them suspicous of changing narratives? I'll bet they won't line up for the Magic Vaccine either, the irresponsible creeps.
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